I Don't Know

i am not sure what i am feeling.

today my one roommate is starting to move some of his stuff out. my daughter is packing to leave tuesday for 2 weeks at her sisters. my son will be gone in a week for camp, and the other roomie is still waiting to hear about alaska. one of my good friends is leaving for cambodia tomorrow, we had a going away part today for her. it feels like everyone in my life is going to be gone. i do have other friends, but i am starting to feel abandanded. i have even spent lots of time with others for the last few weeks working on the building, but i have not spent good time with anyone. right now i feel like an island. i just feel so alone, however i do not want people around. i know that the later part is because i am having a pitty party for myself.

i am feeling a little better after talking to a roommate. he helped me to see that i really enjoy helping other people, being useful. talking while helping him carry a mini fridge down stairs. any way i have somethinking to do, but here is something to think about.

"Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds - his name is the LORD and rejoice before him. A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land. Psalm 68:4-6"

Been A Long Week

with all the work at the church and working memorial day and having both the kids for the last 2 weeks. and then i am looking to move next month, here is a little song that is kind of mellow.

Heart Sick

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but the longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

there are many things in life that we all desire. whether they be money, relationships, children, houses, jobs, success, etc. in the end we are all looking for happiness. there have been times in my life that i have felt heart sick. the feeling like the one thing that i want is just out of reach. i have come to find that what i desire often times will not make my life any easier, better maybe but not always. what i am coming to find is that they only thing that makes me life better is my relationship with God. i have had resent events work out in my life that points to God working. the feeling of being led to do things that seem out of the norm for me. beyond that, just letting God take care of things. not that i do nothing, but i put myself out there and allow God to guide my life. this does not change what it is the i desire, and God does not always give me what i want. but being surrendered to His will helps to put my heart and mind in a place where i feel good about my needs being met.

what i have to work on now is; not taking control when God is working things for my benefit. this is the real challenge. to often i see God working and with my over analytical mind i think i can figure this out. in essence i am saying 'thanks God, i can take it from here, i don't need you any more'. and then i fall flat on my face, like having the rug pulled out from under my feet. not that God is vengeful, but what is faith without surrender.

it has been my experience that God gives us little victories to keep us following his will for our lives, until the time He gives us what is meant for us, not always our desire but what is needed. however if we allow satan to bully our minds into thinking that God is preventing us getting what we desire, or He is not working fast enough, or to our best interest. these are some of the lies satan tells us about God and His control in our lives. a friend of mine wrote a great entry about the lies we tell ourselves that destroy our beliefs. her way of dealing with the lies is with scriptures. so with that i will end with this.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. Jeremiah 29:11-14

The Last Of Days

sunday was a day of lasts. it was the last weekend at the old seventh day's building. so it was the last time that i had to set up sound, put out signs, put song books out, turn on lights, and unlock that building. so i have a new building to open and turn on lights. but i should not have much setup to do at all. everything is mounted, so i only have to put up the mics and turn everything on. it should be great. i am hoping that all the work i am putting in will pay off.

Happy Memorial Day

happy memorial day. i am here at work. so far i have done more work then i do on a regular night. but that is more to do with the fact that i am here by myself. though i have had 2 phone calls and made one to a user that was having password issues. later i will be sleeping, then i might run up to the church for a while. then back to work. make that 3 calls so far, all from the same guy though.

tonight i had dinner with 2 friends, twin sisters. there birthdays are this week, so i invited then over for dinner. thinking that it would be just the 3 of us hanging out and having dinner. as it turned out i had to pick up my son sunday afternoon. one of my roommates cars broke down this morning, so he was home. then my daughter and the other roommate's girlfriend showed up, then my roommate came home. so we had a full house. we still had fun. played some cards and talked, had dinner and cake.

28 Hours

this week i have put in 28 hours at the new church building. coming to a grand total of 69 hours for the last 3 weeks. you might think that we were building a new building with all the time it is taking. but for the last 2 days we have been working on the projector and screen. we have been working on mounting them to the ceiling that is about 20 feet up. today we got it completed. now that all the major projects are out of the way all i have left is small finishing work. i hope to be done soon. as a side note. a friend of mine and her twin sister are having there birthdays this week. i think they should have chosen a different weekend to do it. but that is not my chose. anyway i have invited them over for dinner on sunday. i just found out that they are going to come over, it should be fun. sadly i have to work memorial day. however i did volunteer for it, so i have only myself to blame. but at double time and a half, that is nothing to sneeze at. so i have to run off to the store and get some food for tomorrow.

No More Tears, No More Pain, And No More Fears.

on monday i was at a bible study, as i am every monday. as i sat there i realized that i had a friend that was in need. i also did not want to be there on monday. so i decided to leave before things got started. as i was driving down the interstate i called him, and we decided to hang out together. we ended up going to a lake here in town, man made that is, and go for a walk. as we walked the lake trail we talked about how the both of us were doing and feeling about things in our lives. then we started to pray together. as he was finishing he said something that triggered the memory of the song below. the song i heard on the way to his house.

i looked back on that night of hanging out and talking and praying, also the perfect way that the song worked out in our talk and my hearing it. i feel led by the spirit that night. led to leave the study and join my friend, led to the song that was so relevant, as i listen to it again i know that the trials of this world are temporary, and i am encouraged to strive for that day. the day there is no more tears, no more pain, and no more fear. i hope you enjoy the song.

I Hate Being Sick

so i have a cold. got it last week. i would like to return it, but i do not know were i got it. one of my co-workers is know out sick, and he is off for the rest of the week and part of next week. it started out like allergies, but i think it is more then that. so i have not been feeling like posting a whole lot. plus other then working on the new church building and working and running the kids all over the place, i have not had a whole lot to talk about. though i have to tell you that i filled up the gas tank yesterday before coming into work. on my way into work tonight i noticed that with in 24 hours of filling up i had driven 97.5 miles. almost a hundred miles in a 24 hour period. and that is with sleeping and working 8 hours and working 3 hours at the church. when do i have the time to drive that much in a town as small as omaha. and i have only been on the west side to the town. i spend way to much time in my car.

Plus One

i am now again plus one. my son is now living with us again for the next 2 weeks until school ends. the kids mom moved to a new apartment and is quit a distance from his school. so am i as a matter of fact, however i at least have a car and can drive him to school. what this means is that i have also had to adjust my scheduled at work so that i can get them to school on time. i really do not like doing that either. i know she is trying to do what she thinks is best for herself and the kids. as a result she has a tendency of inconveniencing my life.

Rock Concert

last night i went to a rock concert with my roommate and a group of other friends. there was 7 of us total. there were 4 bands 2 of them i had never heard of and still do not know who they are. but i did get to see Killswitch Engage and Disturbed. it was a great show. loud, and sweaty, and i am sore. i am starting to get my voice back. i got to mosh for the first time in my life. now i have to go and work most of the day at the new church building. it is going to be a long day.

Friday And I Am Off

well it is friday and i am off for the night. i have been working at the new church building for the last two days and i will be there most of saturday. but i have been able to help with framing 2 walls and running electrical to the ministers office and putting in insulation. tomorrow they begin the dry wall. this saturday we are hoping to finish up some of the sound stuff and put up the projector and screen. so here is a lovely video and song for you all to enjoy.

Thunder

we have been having thunder storms for the last few days. and it has been great. i love sleeping while it rains. even the thunder and lighting do not bother me. but yesterday the coolest thing happened. i was laying there in bed half asleep, when there was a loud crack of thunder. i think it must have been close by because for the first time ever i felt my bed shake from the force. i thought it was so cool. i was reminded that God is powerful and in control.

this morning at work about 4:30 there was another storm coming through and the sound of the rain beating on the windows behind me was fantastic. it was hard to stay awake during the on-slot. by the time i left work it was clearing up and this afternoon is warm and mostly sunny, the humidity is starting to get bad. i hope the night is nice.

What The Squirrel!!!

so i was on my way to the monday night bible study when i smelled rubber and heard a strange thumping noise. as it turns out i had a flat tire. so i changed it out and got on my way. but this really sucks. mainly because i do not have the money to fix it, my tires start at about $120 a piece. i know that is ridiculous, but when i bought the car it had low profile wheels on it. well i just God will provide.

Busy Work Weekend

well our church is not the proud owner of a building as of this last thursday. i think i mentioned that on thursday we had a picnic there at the new building. and that was when the work began for me. i started moving all the sound equipment over that we had in storage for the last year. friday was another work day. one of my roommates is a an electrician and works with his father. his father has been in bands and working with sound equipment since before i was born. so he and i started friday looking at what was going to be required to get the system overhauled and up and running. so we started pulling things apart testing the equipment and devising a plan. as it happens the former church owners had left some speakers and the sound system. saturday was the work day. we fixed a few of the mic plugs in the floor. pulled down the old speakers, and put up ours. changed out some lights. ran about a hundred feet of speaker cables and cat 5. connected out sound system and fitted and mounted the mic into the lectern. then we got to play with it and try to EQ it all. there is much work yet to be done. however we are getting there.

today i already set up for church and shortly have to take my daughter to work, then i am having breakfast with a friend from tennessee who is headed out of town today. then i hope to call my mom on the west coast, and then sleep as much as possible today just to go to work tonight. then the crazy week begins again.

New Building

yesterday out church bought there first building yesterday. so we had a picnic to look at the building and hang out. i set some sound equipment and played music. i spent most of the night talking to people about the sound system and stuff. i am headed there tonight to work on the sound system and make sure that things work, and figure out what we need. it was a good night but i was busy the whole time. i may be there all weekend working on things.

Something Different

it is friday. and here is something different. i have always liked crooner music. it is crazy to think the this guy is my age. i hope you enjoy. this is one of my daughters favorite songs.

Ambiguous Post

today i am in a funk. i am not sure as to why exactly. i am a little stressed. one of my roommates is moving out in the middle of the month and then it will just be two of us and my daughter. i am worried about affording our place. i am still trying to work out the whole ex-wife thing and her trying to move.

on top of that i am feeling really alone. the strange thing is that i spend almost every night hanging out with groups of people. i have a bible study on monday, tuesday and wednesday. sunday i am at church, and this thursday we are having a picnic at the new church building that we just purchased. there is not end of the people that i am around. though it is not uncommon for me to feel completely alone in a crowd. furthermore, i am really tired of being single. i know that no relationship will fulfill my every need, but i want to have someone that is special to my heart. that we have a mutual claim on. someone to hold hands with, and bicker with. to tease and talk to and share my feeling with. i really dislike feeling this way. not because i am a man and should not profess such things, but because i feel empty and useless.

i suppose that i see my roommate and his girlfriend, and how happy they are together. and almost all my friends are married and have families. and knowing that i have this unrequited love for someone. the grass is not greener comes to mind. but regardless, being in my own head is not a safe place for me to be.

Have A Good Weekend

it is friday and i just woke up. so you know what that means. that's right it is time for the youtube video of the week. i have been listening to Christian music, as i have told you all. my daughter is not really to fond of the idea, but the other day this song was on and i had it kind of low. she asked me to turn it up, because she likes this one. so maybe it is starting to seep in.